sometimes i wish that i could follow my conscience and do something right. for once. but sometimes doing good just isnt in me. i feel like im fucked up for good. life's like a fucking chore to me now. i wake up everyday just wishing time would pass faster so that the next day could arrive.

today, i learnt that someone i thought had a potential to be someone great, transitioned to be a fucking slutbag, a whore-ish wannabe cunt. i apologise for the profanities, but it seems to be the only form of vocabulary that can aptly describe this child, this teen, who is someone totally stranger to me now. sometimes i wonder if my friends think that of me, i wonder if the old ones dont know who i am anymore. is that why you give me winter whenever i speak to you? to hell with it.

i wanna create my own sense of style. so that when something reminds someone of me, that somebody can feel my aura around him.

as of late, i have been reading a lot, leisurely. i have mastered the art of what it truly means to waste days burying one's head in a heap of books. nice, good books that are worth my time. i must say, it feels better than my usual movie and drama marathon-ing. it makes me seem somewhat more intellectually inclined towards literature. reading helps me think, helps me visualise and it helps me dream. and these 2 days alone, i've been doing exactly just that. i have completed 4 novels in record time.

stephanie meyer's twilight saga's what's been occupying me so intently. every page is gripping and i cant stop once i've started. i cannot decide if its the impressionable effect of the characters or the fact that its pure fantasy. it makes me want to be a vampire, ridiculous as it sounds. i wanna visit Forks, in Washington, where the cullen family and bella lives. i want be there and witness these mythical creatures on my own. i know, i keep thinking myself silly. it is as if i were still a child.

at age 17 and 6 months and 27 days, i have begun thinking of how i am going to retire and spend my last days. i would migrate. where, i do not know, but im positive im not dying in this sultry and oven-heated singapore. i would die in a temperate country that i have carefully selected through travelling as a bonus in my working life. edinburgh would be nice, so would the smaller towns in the states do. i would trek through the meadows, admire the scenery, hear the birds sing, the wind whispering their secrets in my ears, showers of blessing swirling in eddies, brushing my face gently. refreshing.

i wanna make a great escape, for i cant seem to adapt to this life, even till now. i need to find myself. S.O.S.   

The Notebook, by Nicholas Sparks has got to be one of the most spectacular pieces of work that i have ever read in my entire life. the power of love was accentuated through spark's immaculate use of language and literature. immanent in the novel, the simplest acts of pure, unconditional love is seen through allie and noah's touching marriage and undying passion for one another. highly commendable, the book has managed to make me cry the river mekong.

"You are my best friend as well as my lover,and i do not know which side of you i enjoy most. i treasure each side, just as i have treasured our life together. You have something inside you, Noah, something beautiful and strong. Kindness, that's what i see when i look at you now, that's what everyone sees.  Kindness. You are the most forgiving and peaceful man i know. God is with you, He must be, for you are the closest thing to an angel i've ever met.

I know you thought me crazy for making us write our love story before we finally leave our home, but i have my reasons and i thank you for your patience. And though you asked, i never told you why, but now i think its time you knew.

We have lived a lifetime most couples never know, and yet, when i look at you, i'm frightened by the knowledge that this will all be ending soon. For we both know my prognosis and what it will mean to us. I see your tears and i worry more about you than i do about me, because i fear the pain i know you will go through. There are no words to express my sorrow for this, and i am at a loss for words.

So i love you so deeply, so incredibly much that i will find a way to come back to you despite my disease..........."

And i was touched by something so sincere, for the first time in ages.